Weeks 31, 32, and 33 - Crunch Time

Its true.  Since I was a wee lassie, I have been a marvelous procrastinator.  Not something I'm particularly proud of, but something I've learned to not to beat myself up about too much anymore.  You know that mean, icky voice inside your head that makes you feel like crap? I call mine The Judge, (aka The Almighty Ego) and woo-wee that witch knows how to be pretty cruel when I'm trying to get something done and its crunch time.  I mean, procrastinating is not something I'm not particularly proud of, but at the ripe old age of 40, I've learned that life is way too short to waste my time feeling guilty and listening to that nasty Judge when she gets all... judge-y.  In my defense, I DO get things done, I just tend to let the pressure build till I feel the fire and then work right up until my deadline. 

These days my deadlines are ones I've created for myself.  This Friday, my family and I are taking a vacation to Star Island (off the coast of New Hampshire and part of the Isles of Shoals) for a week.  This summer my goal has been to finish all 10 required books and reports for my therapeutic music certification before we depart for Star.  As of this moment, I'm at seven.  Soooo in the next few days I need to read and write about 3 books.  As I type this out I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but I'm longing for victory and a nice relaxing vacation, so there's no doubt in my mind I will make it happen.  Let's just say, if you don't hear from me otherwise this week, you'll know why. 

I find it rather amusing, and also frustrating, that some old habits die so hard.  I've thought a lot about procrastination on my hikes up the ledges these past few weeks.  I will admit that when I have made a choice that something needs to get done, and it hasn't because I haven't made it a priority, it truly weighs on the mind and body, lurking in the subconscious.  My hikes have been a little heavier, and try as I might not to listen to that darn Judge, she still packs a few extra bricks in my pack as I head up the hill.  She's not all bad... The Ego often has our best interest at heart.  She does seem to want me to reach my goals, she just likes to make digs and low blows along the way.  Its times like this I'm reminded I still have some growing to do, and I appreciate that message.  She says to me: "Ya know dummy, (I told you she was mean!), if only you'd do a little each day, you wouldn't have to carry these heavy bricks up the effing hill."  So I say to her, "Madame Judge, I have made a choice to be compassionate with myself... can you please make your point in a more kind way so I can hear your wisdom?"  She sighs but then replies with an almost warm tone, "Darling, taking care of your goals a little each day will make your life easier, and you will have more room for love and joy and laughter."  Hmmm.  Good point, lady. 

And so my week will be full, and I will feel the fire and get my tasks done, but I note this pattern of my youth rearing their heads in my grown up life. I also note that if I do indeed want to feel more love and joy and laughter, and create a life that I love from moment to moment, The Judge might indeed be right.  Its kind of awesome to see and feel the internal work I've been doing in action: like practicing self-compassion. Its a wonderful feeling to know that I am capable of that, and when I make that choice, my inner self has some good juicy bits to share.   Once the task of finishing my reports is checked off the list, and I move on to the next goal (completing my aromatherapy certification and all the homework that comes with it), I hope I can work The Judge's suggestion into my day to day life a bit more.